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P. Pigg Proprietor
Fuddsburg – For the past several weeks rumors have been running rampant throughout the Grand Duchy regarding border raids and rabbit raping. Early this morning a wagon was reportedly seen carrying the bodies of men in what appeared to be uniforms of the former Schnitzengruben Army. Unconfirmed reports suggest these individuals were killed while conducting one of the afore mentioned raids. Official sources at the Royal Court have refused to comment on the rumors.
This week new rumors began surfacing of unspeakable brutality and persecution being directed at ethnic Fuddlanders living in the former Schnitzengruben region currently controlled by the self proclaimed Prince of Grazzben. When asked if the rumors were true, representatives of his Excellency responded with “No comment”.
This afternoon a demonstration was held outside the winter palace with participants calling for retaliation against the perpetrators of the rumored raids along with cries to liberate the ethnic Fuddlanders living in the Southern regions of the former realm of Schnitzengruben. There were also vocal cries for “Lebensraum” from the assembled crowd. The demonstration started small with only 10 or so participants but within an hour had grown to over 500 citizens. (Those of you with astute spies in Fuddland may have noticed the leader of the demonstration bore a striking resemblance to Col. B. Bunny of the Fuddland S.A.I.D. or did he?).
Request for comment from the Royal Court were not returned.
Citizens of Fuddsburg are hereby instructed not to throw out their chamber pot contents in the usual manner. In light of the rumored conflict between Fartengas and Benefice the monthly urine collection by the Acme Institute of Science and Technology ‘honey carts’ will henceforth occur daily.
Residents may take their chamber pots to their normal collection and filtration locations or pots may be taken to the Acme Salt Peter Works, adjacent to the Acme gunpowder factory. Citizens are requested to use separate pots for fluids only, to aid in the collection/production process for the duration of this emergency.
Aids to his Excellency Elmer, have indicated the Großherzog will make a public statement on the current situation within 24 hours. Your humble correspondent will publish a transcript of the speech in its (hopefully brief) entirety as soon as the type can be set on our press.
This is a Rush transcript of a speech delivered by His Excellency, Elmer von Fudd, Großherzog of Fuddland earlier today
“Citizens of Fuddland, eawliew today the Fuddland militawy commenced opewations aimed at secuwing ouw Nowthewn bowdews and at fweeing the descendents of Fuddlandews fwom theiw towment and pewsecution by the bandit kingdoms that have awisen since the untimely demise of Ewzhewzog Fewdinand von Kesselstein of Schnitzengwuben. We do not take this action lightly, but it is necessawy to defend ouw cousins fwom the atwocities that have been pewpetwated on them as well as secuwe ouw own bowdews.
We Fuddlandews awe peaceful folk, wenowned fow ouw love making, not waw making. Howevew, the actions of the outlaw nowthewn neighbows have fowced ouw hand. To the citizens of the so called pwincipality of Gwazzben, we have no quawwel with you. Ouw quawwel is with youw leadewship and those wesponsible fow the atwocities committed against ouw people and the outwages pewpetwated on ouw wabbits. We do this not fow pewsonal gain ow conquest, but fow puwely humanitawian weasons. It is ouw gweatest desiwe to be able to withdwaw fwom youw land as soon as possible. To that end, I call on you to wise up against youw unjust wulew ‘Gwazzben’, and join with youw Fuddland libewatows.
To the wulews of the othew gweat nations of Watskania, we apologize fow the need to bweak the peace of ouw faiw continent. Fuddland has no quawwel with any of you, and is acting only in the intewest of self pwesewvation. With the blessing of the all mighty, this distasteful business will be ovew with showtly, and peace may wetuwn to ouw faiw land."